December 2013: Excerpts from Mike Genung’s Books on Porn Sex Addiction
This month’s first excerpt is from The Road to Grace; Finding True Freedom from the Bondage of Sexual Addiction, and tells the story of when I began my journey to find a safe place to find help for sexual addiction.
The second excerpt is from 100 Days, and focuses on the battles we fight in our mind.
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Excerpt from the Road to Grace: Looking for Help
I realized I had a serious problem with sexual addiction in June of 1991. I was out of control, masturbating with pornography at least once a day. It didn’t matter if I was home alone when my wife, Michelle, was out of the house, or if I was in a hotel room when traveling for business.
I fell hardest in the hotels. The isolation and loneliness, coupled with the temptation to watch a porn movie, were too much for me. I’d spend the night binging on lust, and would face a long day of sales calls on two hours of sleep and a raging hangover of shame.
I’d attended church most of my life and knew all of the “sexually immoral shall not inherit the kingdom of God” verses, but the fear of judgment did little more than add to my burden of shame. Willpower didn’t work; I tried to quit many times. The harder I fought the more I fell. Like most naïve young men, I thought getting married would eliminate my lust problem, but the inevitable friction that surfaces between a man and woman raised in completely different, often dysfunctional family settings had me running to porn more than when I was single. My innocent young wife of two years knew the Christian Dr. Jekyll side of me, but she didn’t know about the guy hiding in the shadows, Mr. Hyde.
Since other Christians didn’t talk about struggling with porn or sexual sin, I assumed something was seriously wrong with me; I even had doubts if I was really a Christian. I figured I better get help before I went too far and lost my marriage.
But… where should I go for help?
I knew I couldn’t go to the church; I’d tried that before. In 1990, Michelle and I went to a church-sponsored marriage retreat in the San Bernardino Mountains. Unbeknownst to my wife, I’d gone on a porn binge a few days before the retreat and, as usual, was hung over from shame.
We warmed up on Saturday morning by singing praises to God. The clean, uplifting music and the sights of God’s majestic creation rubbed salt in my sores of shame. As the morning progressed it got worse until I couldn’t take it any longer; I had to talk to someone. The retired pastor who was teaching seemed warm and friendly, and I decided to talk to him about my struggle with porn.
When we were dismissed for the break, I told Michelle I wanted to talk to the retreat leader for a moment and would catch up with her later. I approached him nervously; I’d never opened up to anyone with this before…
“Hi uhh, I appreciate the things you’re sharing with us… and I… uh… I’m having a problem with something I need to talk about.”
He smiled: “Sure! What’s the problem?”
I felt a bit of relief wash over me. So far this was going well. “I… uh… have a problem…” I swallowed hard. “With pornography… it’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time… I was hoping you might have some advice for what to do….”
His expression darkened; he was obviously in the presence of a sinner, me, and I needed to be set straight. He bored into me with his eyes and let loose: “Just stop doing it! Just stop!”
I nodded weakly and walked away, looking for a hole to crawl into, thankful the retreat leader didn’t attend my church.
I shuddered. What if I’d told someone from my church? I could see the announcement in the Sunday morning bulletin now: “Mike Genung confessed he’s a sex addict; First Corinthians expulsion ceremony tonight at 6:30 p.m. in the worship center; coffee and dessert will be served afterwards.”
I’d been going to a female Christian psychologist for a few years, but I couldn’t talk to a woman about my porn problem. I thought about my male friends, but all the men I spent time with worked in the same industry I did; if they spread the word that “Mike’s a porno”… I didn’t want to think about it.
What about my wife? Oh yeah, I could see it now. “Honey, I can’t stop masturbating to pictures of other naked women… think you can pray for me?” I’d be singing the country song that lady who’d been married seven times used to sing: “D–I–V–O–R–C–E.” All our friends would know and I’d have to move to some desolate place like Alaska to start over.
My church, my counselor, my friends and my wife were out. What was left?
I’d heard about Alcoholics Anonymous and thought perhaps there was a similar program for people who struggled with sexual addiction. I looked in the yellow pages and found a 12-step group for sex addicts. The meetings were held once a week in a city 45 minutes away by car, and they met that night.
I mumbled to Michelle about having something I needed to take care of, and took off on the 60 freeway heading east. Normally I would have enjoyed the drive, but I was too nervous about the meeting. I pictured myself sitting in a dimly lit room with a bunch of sleazy-looking guys wearing dirty clothes and mean expressions. I almost turned back.
The meeting was held in a mental hospital consisting of flat, white buildings, with a look not unlike an insane asylum. I entered the front building and approached the visitor station, which was attended by a girl dressed in street clothes. A wave of shame surged over me; telling a woman that I struggled with lust was the last thing I wanted to do.
“Where’s the room for… uh… the group for sex addiction?” She looked at me as if I was just another mental case and pointed me to where I needed to go, a room around the corner from her station.
I took a deep breath and walked in. The carpeted room was a long rectangle in shape, 25 feet long and 10 feet wide, with contemporary art decorating the clean white walls. A long wood conference table filled the room, and, seated in the plush office chairs were eight men; not one of whom looked like I’d imagined they would. A few were dressed in suits, and the rest wore clean, casual clothes.
The meeting began with everyone introducing themselves and discussing a little of their background. With each new introduction, my eyes widened and my jaw dropped a little more. Almost all of them were Christians. They weren’t just pew warmers either. One guy had been a senior pastor and another, a music minister. Their struggles were similar to mine; all of them had a problem with porn and masturbation, while some added promiscuity, affairs, and prostitution to the mix.
“What’s going on here?” I thought. “This is a secular program, yet most of the guys here are Christians. Could it be there are more in the church who have a problem with sexual sin than I imagined?”
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Excerpt from 100 Days on the Road to Grace: What Are You Feeding On?
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.
Philippians 4:8
It doesn’t take much to get off course. If we bite on thoughts of lust, resentment, fear, judgment, or worry, we can spiral down for hours, days, or weeks. For example, if we get caught up in judging others and obsessing about their weaknesses, our attitude turns sour. We start looking down on everyone; no one can get it right, including our spouse, friends, bosses, the government, even our pets. We stew in the muck of a critical, bitter spirit until we realize we’re miserable… or someone asks if we need surgery to remove a stick from our hind quarters.
The first few moments of how we start each day are critical. If we allow the wrong thoughts to creep in, our heading will be off course.
The best way to counter this is to get into God’s Word and/or pray as soon as we wake up. If we think the day ahead will be hard, thanking Him for the gift of another 24 hours points our attitude to Heaven and focuses us on walking with Him.
If the wrong thoughts flow through our mind unnoticed for several minutes from habit, weariness, or not paying attention, shake it off and change direction. Don’t obsess about the thoughts, and move on.
If we’ve been cooperating with sinful thoughts for an extended period of time, we send out a prayer flare of confession of sin, and then turn our mind elsewhere.
Dwelling on the positive character traits of others enhances our appreciation of them. If I’ve been critical of my wife, I switch gears by reflecting on all she’s done for me over the years, what a blessing she is, her kindness and warmth, how she’s shown me grace by staying with me in spite of how I’ve hurt her, and how God commands me to love her as Christ loved the church.
If I’ve been bitter towards another, I remember all the sin the Lord has forgiven me of and how I have no ground to withhold forgiveness from others. I also call to mind the dangerous warnings to those who refuse to forgive others after they have been forgiven so much (Matthew 18:21–35).
Expanding our perspective helps. If I’ve been worrying about the outcome of a stressful situation, I remember who God is—the fact that He’s always taken me through every trial, that I’m His son, and He’s promised to provide my needs. Then I go to Him and ask what He wants to teach me through the situation, which builds humility and faith.
If circumstances get tough and I can barely think, I run to the Word of God and start breathing His thoughts into my spirit.
The thoughts we feed on have a direct impact on our perspective, attitude, mood, and relationships with others. The good news is that if we get off track we can always change course and feed our mind again with that which will put us on solid ground.